""Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am. A love like that, will be eternal!""

I am not a perfect girl
Nor will I ever be.

Once upon a time
This use to bother me.

Until you came and showed me how
That perfect was me now.

You taught me to stand on my own
Even though this was already known

You showed me to live my life
And work each day through strife.

I am a woman on my own
Something I have always known.

Now that I have you by my side
There will never come a day that I will slide

You are my support
But not my foundation

I lay it out for you to see
That you are forever with me

I am not a perfect girl
Nor will I ever be

But life continues on
Won’t you continue with me?

I am sorry for the doubt
The pain and sorrow that comes without

I want you all
And all you are

Wherever you go…

I will not be far.

I am so lost...

but I will not be defeated.

I refuse.

Current Mood: crushed

Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
just after I'd wiped away his last tear
I guess he's better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don't pass u every day
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain't always the way...

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
and all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time 4 lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy's tears
Always cry 4 love, never cry 4 pain
He used 2 say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy's there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he's found the answer 2 all the April snow
Maybe one day I'll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past

This past weekend has been killer.

I have lots of thoughts running through my head, and.... I feel the need to attempt to organize them.

I've been acting like none of this bothered me at all. Truth is... I just didn't know how to express it. Me... full of emotions, I know.



Last weekend when I was a Joes I watched this movie that made me think a lot. So this is where the train of thought is coming from.



I am a whole person. I don't need anyone. I realized this fact long ago even if I couldn't put it into words. I am self sufficiant. I could survive on my own if necessary. I wasn't really looking for anyone to fill a void. There wasn't one that exsisted even if I though there was.

Then you walked into my life again. I was whole and within weeks I became a half of a whole with you.

This discovery of you made me realize I could only be so much. I mean...



you are everything I am not.



You may be my opposite and still a lot like me, but you complete me.



Now that you are gone. I am no longer whole. I still don't need you, but I want you here more than ever. Everything I've ever run from, or fought, or not known anything about you gave me. You taught me many things. You helped me become a woman. You helped me grow up when I was fighting it so hard not to.

I want you here, but I will not try to talk you into staying. I want you to want to be here. Not out of guilt, but out of desire, because you possibly feel the same way.



I am no longer scared.

My pain is well deserved. I loved you fully. I gave you everything I had. I regret nothing.

Because I LOVE YOU!

I will still love you tomorrow, and for many days after that. One day the pain will lighten and I will think of you less. I will forever hold you though. In your John Deere t-shirt, in your country music, in your dodge ram pick up, in your desire to be half and whole at the same time. In your realization that you can't have both even though we try.



I will be ok. Don't think I'm not upset. I have no desire to cause you drama though. So... here it will stay, and it will not enter your world but in my words on this page.



I love you.



I will miss you greatly.

I'm sorry if you think I am dramatic. This is me. It's who I am, and who I will be forever.

Current Mood: crushed

I made within a 10 point range on all three of my midterms last week.

83 World Civ
87 Dance History not bad actually
89 Using Music


What does this mean? I can study crazy mad and I am still an average student. Suck.

I hate it when people come over and sit on the phone the whole time. The end.

spring break is here.

however i have nothing really to do. i mean i had lots of plans, but things had to change.

so now i am going to spend the week at home cleaning, crocheting(sp), and sleeping.

oh i'm gonna hang out with chelsea and todd too.... so that will be good.

i'm really not happy with this choice though. no offense.

i just really looking forward to seeing nikki and being with joseph, and now i won't get to do either of these things.

i didn't vacumn my room. oh well. sucks for them haha.

i am ready to get out of here. i can't believe i agreed to keep anna this afternoon. oh well. i need the money. for real. i mean cause otherwise next week will seriously suck. hehe



anyways... i love you all. call me if you want someone to hang out with.

Current Mood: indifferent

I never use this thing anymore. But today that's all I've wanted to do is update. Update update update. Maybe I just have a lot on my mind and I am just dying to figure out how to get it all out.

I don't know.

I realized today that I always have serious issues this time of the year. This is the time of year that all of my friendships suffer, I end relationships, and I do poorly in school or at work.

If Joseph and I can make it through this part of the year, then we can seriously make it through anything. I honestly do believe this. This is the hardest time to get me to do anything correctly.

Alright I'm done.

Current Mood: crushed

I seriously just want to be free of all of this pain and confusion.

I don't mind having emotions, but I seriously do mind not being able to control my life. This is by far the worst this has ever been.

I mean at least before when I was like this I still was getting stuff done, but now.... not at all. I'm just not do anything and sucking at life.



Alright enough of what appears to be a pitty party to me.

Current Mood: angry

I think you can do much better than me
after all the lies that I made you believe.
Guilt kicks in then I start to see
the edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be.

I told myself I won't miss you,
but I remember what it feels like beside you.

I really miss your hair in my face
and the way your innocence tastes,
and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.

While looking through your old box of notes,
I found those pictures I took that you were looking for.
If there's one memory I don't wanna lose -
that time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room.
I told myself I won't miss you,
but I remember what it feels like beside you.

I really miss your hair in my face
and the way your innocence tastes,
and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.

The bed im laying in is getting colder,
wish you never would have said it's over,
and I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
'cuz we never really had our closure.
This can't be the end - END!

I really miss your hair in my face
and the way your innocence tastes,
and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.
I really miss your hair in my face
and the way your innocence tastes,
and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.

(and I think you should know this:)
you deserve much better than me.
(and I think you should know this:)
you deserve much better than me.
(and I think you should know this:)
you deserve much better than me.
(and I think you should know this.)

Current Mood: melancholy

I just wanted to tell you guys that I miss you. There is so much to share....

Hope all is well.

Merry Christmas EVE!


Megs

I have recently realized that I am petty.



Very petty for that matter.



I run everyone off also, and then don't give them a chance to talk to me. They never get the chance to talk to me, ever. I also never get the chance to listen to their side because of it. It's easier then letting them hurt me. Which ultimatly they do, or I hurt them. One of the two. I repeat myself often, and my mistakes. It's amazing until you have lost some of the most important people in your life you don't realize what the fuck you are doing.



I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I am trying to grow up. I am trying to not push people away. I am trying not to mess up other peoples lives along the way. However I fail. I'm human.



One of things I have learned though is... forgiveness. It's what makes christians CHRISTIAN! And although, I'm not so sure of where my personal belief falls right now... some things always stick with me. This is one of them.



Also the ability to admit I was wrong. I AM WRONG ABOUT A LOT! I don't intend to be, but I am.



I also learned along the way how to love. To love someone for all of their faults. To believe that the intentions are good and that it typically is just a mistake. REPEAT. We are only HUMANS. We are not perfect.



I am entitled to bad choices. Bad reprocutions that affect me the rest of my life, and trust me when I say they do. They will continue, and they never will stop to help me travel on my journey.



I never meant to hurt you, although... I am aware that I did.



I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU, any of you, all of you that this entire entry applies to. Don't deny it's not about you. It is. It's all of me. All I have are my words.



I'm not trying to be a peace-maker, or be fake. I want to be civil. I want your forgiveness. I want to survive. I just want to be.



With or without you...



I will thrive one way or the other, but know that I mean it. With all my stoney cold heart has to offer.

FUCK!!!

I don't want to go to work!

people, they don't understand me.
and i don't think they know me,
and i don't think they care.
feels like i'm pouring my heart out for no one.
should be singing to the wall.

but still, i'll spill, my heart out to anyone,
and all i ask is just to be heard,
and this life is just some lessons you'll learn
and the obstacles you'll overcome.

luckily i have got a lot of heart,
enough to fill an ocean up,
tell me where to start.
now i'm pouring my heart out to someone
will you catch it in your cup?

and still, i'll spill, my heart out to anyone,
and all i ask is just to be heard,
and this life is just some lessons you'll learn
and the obstacles you'll overcome.

luckily i have got a lot of heart,
enough to fill an ocean up,
tell me where to start.
now i'm pouring my heart out to someone
will you catch it in your cup?

but still, i'll spill, my heart out to anyone,
and all i ask is just to be heard,
and this life is just some lessons you'll learn
and the obstacles you'll overcome.

luckily i have got a lot of heart,
enough to fill an ocean up,
tell me where to start.
now i'm pouring my heart out to someone
will you catch it in your cup?

I started this new journal a couple of weeks ago, but things have been crazy and I just havn't had time to sit down and start writing in it. I closed all of my journals and I really need one that I can sit and write in. So... here it is. Bleh!!!

I'll write more later. Gotta get ready to go teach.

Boner!!! Add me. haha